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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Enigmia's LiveJournal:

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Monday, November 25th, 2002
4:03 pm
life is a blur, a fast paced race for unknown, unimportant goals that truely mean nothing in the end.
Between the blur, moments slow down, enough to let me view them.
I drive to my dead-end job in the dark, and always have time to glance up into the sky.. to see the dark clouds pass over the moon. The moon makes the edges of the clouds bright with its light... maybe this is the silver lining they speak of.
The cold of the season seeps in, as it always does.. and life has no meaning.
My eyes have trouble, I cant see the lines between reality and fantasy.

My fantasy world scares him.. I dont blame him.
My fingernails chewed down to the nubs, and I try to fight her away. The cold comes though, and she cant be fought.. my fingers so cold and bloody from biting and fighting and she..
she is so strong, full of her anger and lust and angst.
After the battle comes the guilt.. how could I keep her away? Why wouldnt I let her in?
Her voice is demanding and harsh.
I can only cower
Friday, October 18th, 2002
4:59 am
Tears flow more often the words.
I cannot find you here.
You arent in my box that I used to keep you in.
I always imagined you'd never escape..
I always imagined you enjoyed being there.

I reach out my hands to try to touch you.
There is nothing, I cant feel you.

Heart and soul, these machines that are used to running on anger and greif for fuel
They aren't so efficent on love, it doesnt burn as well.

I'm not pushing your love away darlin, I'm just trying to keep myself moving.
I'm just trying to get out of my head.
Monday, September 30th, 2002
1:14 am
Reaching my hands out through the darkness to shelid me from what I couldnt see..
i stumbled, blindly, but with a will unknown to me.
through my boots I could feel it seeping in.
the waves strong and furious pulling and pushing me as I crashed through the surf.
The ocean I had forgotten, the home I once know.
How long had a been away, how long had I missed her ebb and tide?
How long had it been since I'd had her salt in my eye?

I awoke from the nightmare to see her laying beside me.
my back stiff, sand covered.
Another day on her beaches, another day in her surf.. another storm without an end.
Tuesday, August 6th, 2002
1:05 am
dont worry, ducklings.
we all have hard days.
Friday, July 26th, 2002
11:58 pm
painful existance returns.
awake is enemy.
my eyes they burn with need.
most moments of awakeness are spent with my eyes tearing.
the new cuts sting, they are so tiny, so easy to miss, they please me this way.
for the first time today i feel better.
thank you little red devils.
Thursday, July 25th, 2002
3:46 am
Unforgettable Aloneness
I was in either first or second grade, I had been very sick.. had woken up sometime after it had gotten dark.. I went to my mothers room to tell her how I was feeling..
She wasnt there though, not in the bathroom, or the kitchen, not in the livingroom... every room i checked, calling her.. she wasnt there.
I was alone.. so alone.
Oddly enough I grabbed my small little chair, and a tiny blanket.. and went to the front yard.
I placed the chair in the middle of the yard, and wrapped the blanket around me.
The neighbors were playing ball in the street, I watched them for a long while before they noticed me sitting there.
They came and asked me what I was doing though, and coaxed me into their house, where they wrapped me up on their couch..
I think at some point my mother came home, and I was missing.. she ran over there...

She had just ran out for a beer..
I didnt know then about her alcoholism.. I could have never understood that a small sick child would probably agrivate the need to drink...
It was such an unforgivable thing to do, to leave a small sick child alone in the middle of the night, so you could have a beer at the tavern...
and yet, i remember harboring no resentment.

It was that night though, that connected me with my deepest fear.
That night I wished I would never be alone..

All my life I've feared being alone.


Somewhere along the line I decided that I wanted to be unforgetable.
That was my goal in life.
I wanted to make an impression on people, be so profoundly .. anything.. to them that they could never forget me.

I touch so few lives these days..

I wish I could touch yours.
Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
3:18 am
June had ended, and July began.
I lost track of time, I lost track of me
I nearly slept through summer entirely, much like last year.
Last year..
another year of failed existance.
Last year I wrote about her being sick, and this July its so much worse than last.
Last year I was cutting myself to rid the tension.

This year what am I?
am I greater than last year, have I progressed.
I feel like I've recoiled.
I feel swollen, I feel broken.

They, the ocean of HE's
They wont ever understand... and I feel like I never want to swim again.
I will though, swimming is my addiction.

Please tell me I wont be my mother.
Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
4:26 am
you werent there to hold me as I cried.
I was watching you.
you werent there to tell me everything was fine.
I know, I was watching you.
You just stood there watching me tear myself down.
I saw you
I saw you look away.

what could i do but curse at everything I've done for you?
what could I do but cry and feel sorry for myself, that I wasnt special enough.
I had belived I was special, It was the only thing that could make it make sense.
and now it lacks sense.
it lacks me.

you dont know who you are.
and neither do i.
Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
4:25 pm
Spring rains down in heavy, large drops.
The sun that follows the rain illuminates the wet earth, makes it glow.
Spring makes you glad that you are alive to behold the beauty of it all

I sit here though, infront of my electronic leech, feeding it with my soul.
I am a prisoner, myself the jailer.
I look out the windows, imaging that they are only pictures..
I do not long to step inside the pictures, as that would be absurdity.

I sip weak coffee and try to smile and have a conversation with the leech.
It only burps and gives me a cold stare.
Saturday, March 23rd, 2002
5:08 am
the world falls apart suddenly, and the question always arises,... how permanant is the damage?

and this time, really.. who is here to pick up the peices of shattered me.

shattered. exactly
Friday, March 22nd, 2002
4:57 pm
there arent many problems that i couldnt write about here

but alas, there is one.
There isnt anyone in the world i could talk to.
Monday, February 4th, 2002
3:26 pm
You are insecure, so you chase everyone away with your offensive, annoyingness. You chase everyone away that might "steal her away" from you. You leave her devoid of friends, you take away her "out". She has no one else except you.. and thats what you want.
She, of course doesnt realize this, cause all she wants is constant attention. She wants someone to coddle her, cuddle her. She doesnt bring mental attention to the fighting.. she is blinded by the sheer attention of your love. You hurt her, she cries.. but she she trusts no one else.
You have made yourself her world.

This is not beauty, this is not love. This isnt even about you two as a couple.
This is about you. This is about your insecurities, this is about your fear.
There is no enlightenment here. There is nothing but self loathing, and clingyness to combat self loathing. This is about you getting all your assurance from her, because you have isolated yourself from all your "outs". You want to be afraid. You want to be in pain. It is your mystique.
Friday, January 11th, 2002
4:58 pm
i tire of these games.
3:35 am
you know? i think you are fucking obnoxious.
every word that comes out of your mouth, no matter how amusing, how slightly brilliant, it infuriates me more than anything.
Your words are vile, and stupid.. just as you are.
I only care because you have taken something
I am only angry because I am petty.
You have wronged me in ways you will never understand.
Sunday, December 9th, 2001
5:07 pm
there once was beauty
simplicity in the form of words.

complications in the form of simplicity
simplicity in the form of words.

there once was beauty
and then it was gone.
I packed it up in my box.
I took it with me to the shore.

I threw it to the ocean.
I threw it to the ugly ocean.
the ocean ate it up.
it swallowed Beauty whole.

There once was beauty.
and now there is nothing.
5:05 pm
continuations of the chronicals of she.
yeah she's volitle
about to errupt.
you never know what shes got up her sleeve.
never know what she's got up there in that pretty little head.
and she walks down by the river.
singin'songs to the gulls and the sand.

she walks after dark.
alone, and under clothed.
"its cold outside, baby"
but she doesnt hear.
she's busy listening to herself.
she cant hear over the screaming.
she cant hear over the ranting and raving
she cant hear through the sobs.
she cant hear you.
she cant hear you.

she's the one you want.
she's "the one"
you'll drive yourself over the edge for this one.
and she wont notice.

she answers the phone with a simple "hello?"
from there she's nothing.
from the start, you were talking to yourself.
she's busy listening to herself.

she cant hear you.
Monday, December 3rd, 2001
2:48 pm
the return of she.
pulling on her hat, listening to quiet music, waiting for the girl.
the girl, she's so different from the rest.
The type that she never got to know
the girl in a band.
it will be a quick buisness like meeting, perhaps with plans to meet later
if she doesnt panic.. which she will.

its better this way.
this silent enlightenment.

She pauses to think of the other girl.
The one that ran screaming, silently
So silent, no one has the time for words anymore.
She understands nothing of subltlety, nothing of nuance.
She understands words.

walking to the kitchen, unclean, cluttered.
warming a pan to cook an egg.

these are simple tasks, daily tasks.
these tasks are frightening.
she is afraid.
Sunday, November 4th, 2001
5:20 pm
the urge has come again, and its fruitless to fight it.

please, forgive me father, for i have sinned.
Sunday, September 16th, 2001
11:09 pm
smiling undaunted faces, stone eyes
painted on sparkles.
implied happiness

and thats why i decapitated her
Sunday, August 12th, 2001
2:02 am
She, walking with her head down
staring at things on her feet that no one else can see.
cracks in the sidewalk, lucky pennies over looked.
she sees it all
through a haze of hate, despair

she doesn't give occasion to the beggars
she cares not about global warming, world peace and what the president is doing.
haze

shuffling into a quiet coffee shop she sits down at the counter.

the waitress brings her coffee, the cream the sugar
tearing sugar packets slowly, ritualistically
idly analyzing each crystal
stirring slowly with a spoon, complete with water spots

the creamer is poured in, sending swirls and clouds of gold erupting from within.
sweet and creamy, the coffee finds her mouth
she gives it entry.
deeply inhaling its strong odor as she lets it play in her mouth.
savoring.

she stares blankly at the surface of the counter, marveling at the subtle grain of wood, blurred by many years of usage.
only stopping to sip more coffee.
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